Funny,  I actually forgot I had started this journal.  But I got some random e-mail about someone wanting to read my journal or something like that, and I decided to check and see what journal they were talking about.  I can't believe I forgot all about it.  I suppose with the moving and how chaotic my life has been since is excuse enough.   And my life HAS been chaotic...a real mess actually.  And there I was nearly 2 years ago, so happy and so sure my life was on the upswing.

        So here is what has been happening...in a nutshell...

     Moving in with T was not what I thought it would be.  I had such high hopes...was in such good spirits...wanted nothing more than a happy family life for us and our boys....that was not to be the case....T turned into "The evil stepmother"  It was AWFUL!   Between her and her boys it was like living in a NIGHTMARE!  They picked on every little thing that my kids did!!   Here are just a few examples of  "Life with T and kids"   M tells my boys that the house is more theirs then ours because their mom makes more money...M tells the kids that because his bedroom is in the basement, he owns the basement.   T's boys have fun picking on my youngest son D relentlessly about him wanting to join a school play..."You can't act"  "We are going to go watch tryouts just to laugh at you"   When I yell at them they immediately call their mother to let her know  I yelled at them....T fusses about EVERYTHING....they fed the dog part of their snack...so they are WASTING FOOD...Left a plate in the family room...they are going to attract bugs....M then gets in the act and starts snapping at my boys if they leave anything out.  TJ leaves a towel on the bathroom floor...He is RUINING THE HOUSE....Music is too loud....T gets angry every time my boys have a friend over...actually comes running to me because one of D's friends shows up that she seems to think isn't a nice kid or something....I couldn't even believe she was telling me this....glares at my kids if they have a friend over....MY kid has a friend sleep over and she actually wouldn't even talk to me...she was so steamed...She was angry all the time..nothing my kids did was right....and at the same time...nothing her kids did was ever wrong!!!   When she kept going on about towel on the floor I finally started watching very closely....and sure enough...half the time it was her own kid leaving towels on the floor...so when I point this out...it seems that isn't her son's fault...it is because my son is a bad influence on her "perfect kids"   M accidentally lets the dog out of the yard and I actually got yelled at for that....in fact we were all wrong...not her kid who decided to "Run away" after letting the dog loose...(this kid was 14 at the time!)  Her youngest was "king of the house" I guess...she coddles him like you wouldn't believe...Their relationship bordered on completely inapropriate and kind of sick...at times...MANY TIMES...it was like she thought of HIM as her partner...not me...and was afraid of hurting his feelings if she was to let him know he was just a kid and NOT in fact her partner... We had many many talks and I let her know that if things didn't change we would have to move out...her first reaction was to yell and scream about me leaving her with all this expense."   She seemed to be saying that we should just suck it up and live with her abuse and anger so as not to cause HER any extra expenses....Funny thing is, She makes like $100,000. a year....I make next to nothing...but I was suppose to be concerned about HER financial situation if I were to leave!!!   WTF??!!   
            So....we fought a LOT...she seemed to finally see the light and turn things around...but it was too late for my oldest boy....he hated the move....hated changing schools...HATED living with T and her monster boys....he got very depressed and got in with a bad crowd and started using drugs....I started fighting with him endlessly about this and he kept getting in more and more trouble...which meant that Tammie and I were fighting more and more as well...Tyler got kicked out of school for drugs and at that point I thought it would just be best to leave....leave Tammie to her perfect little sons and go stay with my sister and get my kids straightened out....  This must have been a real wake up call for Tammie because she finally realized that she was going to lose me if she did not become the supportive helpful loving partner she should have been all along...she made a real turn around and I feel like we are really partners now.....
          Sadly, I am still having a LOT of trouble with my son and he is now in out patient rehab.  

       so....2 years later and my life is much different but no better....sometimes...a lot actually,,, I look back and think I would have been better off dealing with the problems I had with my husband and just stayed put there and raised my kids....sometimes we truly are better with the devil we know....know what I mean?  

   I never thought these days would get here....I waited so long....and for a while there each day felt like an eternity....but I have finally woke from that nightmare and my days are normal days again...and I have a future I can  now look forward to.  (THANK GOD!)   The weekend went as well as can be expected....I had to drop the boys off to see their father for a bit on Father's day....I actually didn't "have to"  but it had been planned so I did it....It upset my daughter H greatly...I hadn't realized asking her to have dinner with her father so she could be there for her brothers would upset her so much.  She was very upset though...a basket case!   She and I needed to talk....If I had known this would be that hard I wouldn't have asked her....at the same time I DO think she needs to be there with her brothers on a day like that...I DID promise her though that she wouldn't have to do it again....She will see her dad only when and IF she wants to.  I will have to deal with the boys seeing him myself. 
Other than that, I am just passing time waiting for Friday so we can move into our house.  I am staying with my sister...she keeps telling me I should just move in with her...I appreciate that gesture...but...NO....I don't think it would work in the long run....she has her life and I have mine...These two weeks have been nice...but I couldn't see this as a long term option.   It is nice to know I have options though.  Puts me on a more level playing field when it comes to Tam.  She has always had the upper hand....not that she would ever flaunt that in my face of use that against me...but it has always bothered me that if something went wrong between us she would be fine...she has money...me, I would be struggling...wouldn't even have a place to live...but now I know I have options...and I have some money in the bank...and I CAN make it if I have to.....not that that is something I need to worry about...I think...no, I KNOW we will be fine...we will be great!!!!  We have longed for this....waited so long...been through so much to get here....and here we are!!!!!!!  
Tomorrow we go do a final walk through of the house...Thusday Tam is packing up the truck she rented, and Friday we move!!!!!!   YEA!!!  

   I am FREE!  FINALLY FINALLY FREE!!!!    I moved out of his house last Thursday, (That is why I haven't updated in a week)  Yesterday I had my court date and was fianally officially divorced!!!!!!!!   I got my paper work then and there and at that point you would think I would be jumping for joy....but I found I still had another hurdle or two to jump before I could do my jumping....there was still the matter of the money he owed me for the house...I figured out he was trying to keep me from that money for as long as possible....legally he owes it to me and I would have gotten it eventually, but I wanted it NOW....I didn't want to allow him to continue his harassing behavior anymore....I talked to my attorney about this and she advised me to go directly to the mortgage company with my divorce decree and show them that I have a lean aginst him for the amount he owes me....So I did....good thing because they told me he had just been in there himself making sure the money went into our joint account instead of them cutting me a check.  This way he could get the money and not pay me for up to 60 days!!  I figured he would do that and spend it and then I would have to take him back to court to get it....but I was just in time with the court orders and they promised they would have my check for me today.....I had a sleepless night....we are talking about a LOT of money here....I was an anxious wreck this morning...until I talked to the banker and was told the check was there waiting for me!!  :)   So I got that, got the banker to find some information about my car and I went to the bank...changed my name there and deposted my money in the bank!   YES!!   NOW I feel free!!!!   Finally finally free!!!

    I just have to say that my daughter H. has got to be the all time best daughter EVER!!   When I first told her I was planning on divorcing her dad...she told me that she thought I was doing the right thing and that I had been an amazing mother and she wanted me to be happy....When I told her I was actually in a relationship with my best friend Tam.  and planned on moving in with her, she didn't bat an eye...told me she had actually figured it out long ago and was happy for me and loved Tam and thought she was a much better person for me than her dad!!  She has been totally supportive of our relationship and treats Tam like a parent.  Her and her boyfriend have taken on the roll of helping raise my two sons because they understand that their father isn't capable of ever really acting like a father...they come by and take them places....Not only then is she a great daughter....but an awesome big sister as well!!!   This last week has been so stressful...for all of us...she and my other daughter had to make sure they had all their stuff out of the house because they realize that once I am gone today chances are their father will throw out any thing of theirs left behind. So she was in the midst of cleaning out the remainders of her stuff from her room....Her dad was acting crazy and drunk as usual....I was having a hard time because things with the PODS I have coming today were getting messed up.  My daughter gave me a big hug...and then offered to stay the night because she knew I didn't want to be there with her father who was acting crazier than usual....It was such a relief to have her there...to not feel so damed alone in all this....to not have to go it so alone....I truly have been blessed to have her in my life!!!   I got through the night last night much better thanks to her...and I will get through today and be finally out of here a lot easier because of her....she put aside her own life to be there for me and I will always ALWAYS be grateful to her for all she does for me and Tam and her brothers!!!   

 
                I have like 2 days left here....and even now he is STILL trying to control me!!  I am so damed sick of this!!   He actually thinks he is going to tell me to clean up the house before I move out.  I know that doesn't sound so bad....In any other situation I would think it would be the right thing to do...the NICE thing to do....But after the way he has treated me and the kids for so long....NO....I don't have to.   I am DONE being nice!   I have been way too nice for way too long and where did it get me?  Older and wiser I suppose...but a lot of lost years that I will never get back.  First he tells me to have the boys clean up the basement....right now there is a ton of boxes down there...I truly don't know how he thinks they could clean down there....Then...he asks me to vacuum out our daughter's room (the one who just moved out)   I told him he knows how to vacuum....He tells me "I wasn't the one living in that room."  I told him..."neither was I"  This will be HIS house...HE can clean it...when was the last time he DID clean the house?  He leaves dishes in the sink...junk all over the counter...I am still even doing his fricken laundry...and now he wants me to clean the damed house before I leave?!    I don't think I can remember the last time he did any real cleaning....Now he says..."If you moved out of an apartment you would be expected to clean it."  I just looked at him and said "What are you going to do about it?"  He had nothing else to say.  I then pointed out that he hasn't been nice and hasn't given me any space....It really REALLY bugs me that he thinks it is OK to treat me bad...and then come and ask me to do ANYTHING nice at all!!!   How dare he be such a jerk and then expect...NO...DEMAND that I be nice in return!   There is something seriously wrong with that man!   I can't wait to get out of here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

  So here I am days away from moving out...trying to box up 14 years of stuff and get out in one day!  I have a divorce pending and just got my court date...Next week Thursday....Isn't this enough to deal with?!!   So then I get another bill from T Mobile for early cancellation fees...I had thought that had been all taken care of a MONTH AGO!  I had been assured it was all taken care of and I wouldn't have to pay anything....so then to make it even worse...even though this was only the SECOND bill and the amount is only actually about 3 weeks overdue, they send me a letter the very next mailing day after I get that second bill informing me that I am overdue and if I don't pay they will send me to a collection agency...the letter states I have 10 days to make arrangements to pay the bill before I get sent to collections....I call immediately only to hear that even though that 10 days isn't up my file has already been sent to collections.  I am still dealing with it, still fighting it and have even gone so far as to file a complaint with the Better Business Bureau.  But, do I really NEED This NOW?!!!   And then...you would think that would be ENOUGH torture for me....I go get the mail today and see that my soon to be ex has received a letter from the county court telling him about the default hearing and telling him he should be there....My attorney had assured me all along that only I needed to attend this hearing....I don't want him at this hearing....He is too unstable!  My attorney is very aware of this....so I call him to ask what this is all about....He assured me that my soon to be ex does NOT in fact have to attend...he advised me to just throw the letter away and never show it to my soon to be ex.  He assured me that only he and I need to attend this hearing and that nothing bad will happen if I don't show that letter to my soon to be Ex!!  So I am hoping that is right and that the divorce goes through without a hitch next Thursday....but now I just have ONE MORE THING to worry about on top of everything else!!!   I KNEW this would be a tough week to get through...but I thought that would be because I am so anxious for moving day to get here and it is so damed hard living in the same house with that idiot!  I never imagined I would be going through so many stressful things at once!!!  I have had ENOUGH!!   I just want all this over with...I just want to be out of here...I want to be divorced....I want to get into our new home...and I DON'T want to owe T Mobile $400.00!!!    I DO NOT owe T Mobile $400.00!!!  

I can't believe, after all this waiting I have 3 HUGE things happening in my life all in a 3 week period!  This week me and the boys are moving out of our home....(staying with my sister for a few weeks)  Next week I go to court for the final divorce decree!!  The following week we move into our new house with Tam and her boys and start our new life!  I am so happy I will actually be officially divorced when we move in...It will make it all so much more special.    MAN!  After YEARS of stagnation, I get all this happening at once!!!   The Universe works in mysterious ways. 

   I have 4 more days.....3 actually if you don't count Thursday when I actually move out!   Most would be saying "Hey, not much longer."  But they don't live in my world where every day feels like about 7 days long!!!  I swear the last few months have felt like living in one of those nightmares a person has where you are like running down a hallway and the harder you run the longer the hallway gets...stretching on into forever....Or when you dream you are running but the ground turns to like mud or quicksand or wet cement and the more you run the more you feel like you are getting stuck.  Take today for example....this day was a quick one...only felt like about 5 days....now LAST WEEKEND....that three day weekend from hell felt like about a month!!  In reality I have about 4 days....I wonder if I will ever get there!!   I am really starting to run out of steam! 

   I miss my girls today.   It was weird waking up and realizing that I wouldn't be hearing S. getting up soon to get ready for work.  My kids have meant everything to me for so long....my only real family...real connection.  HE was never a part of things...it was me and my kids against the world.  Even though I am moving on...creating a new life...a new family,  I realize that though it will be good...very good...it was not my true dream.  What I had longed for was a life without him....instead a life with just me and my kids....in this house...making it for once a REAL HOME.....I didn't get that....I got something different....It will be good...very good...but it isn't this...and I will miss this house, and I will miss my girls living with me.   They had to go eventually though...that is the nature of motherhood....I just wish I had been able to give them the real family life I will finally be able to give the boys.  Our life was so fractured, so chaotic,  so wrong.    I am sorry for that.  I thought I was doing the right thing for them by staying....now, too late I realize I was doing the wrong thing....and I was never able to give them the kind of family life they needed.   I can only move forward though and do it NOW....and I hope they can still appreciate it for what it is for them NOW.  

         I miss my girls.  I wish I had a second chance. 

  
           Lots of emotion today.   My daughter moved out....my son had his DARE graduation....we attended a surprise party for both my son's kindergarten teacher. (she turned 60 today...her husband planned a huge surprise party at the school and invited all past and present students)  There were many times today when holding back the tears was very difficult.  I actually hate this time of year...the end of the school year...always so many changes, so many goodbyes....they grow up so damed fast!  This was the last year I will ever have a child in elementary school.  I have had kids in that same school for the last 16 years!!  It was a good school...so many wonderful teachers...I am glad I was able to keep my kids in that school.  Big changes for this summer... Moving in just 6 days!!   Hopefully very good changes.  No, not HOPEFULLY...I KNOW they will be good changes...We will be so much happier.  This will be so much better for my boys! 
I am very emotional today....just a lot of goodbyes...a lot of looking back....a lot of looking ahead. 

     "Bye house, I'm moving now!"   These were the words uttered by my then 5 year old daughter when we moved out of our town home into this house.   She was gone briefly for about 10 months about a year ago...away at beauty school.....it was still "Her room though and she was home often.  Today she is gone.  Done, over,  Never again to be living with me.  I, myself will be gone in a week.  Never to return to this house. 

        "BYE HOUSE......I'M MOVING NOW" 

    I love you my baba D!   You will be so missed in my life on a daily basis....more than you know.  It is funny how someone can so aggravate you at times and yet be so very close to your heart!   So much a part of ME. 

BYE HOUSE......I'M MOVING NOW"  

      We (My children and I) were vacationing on the North shore of Lake Superior.  It was a windy and hot day.  The waves were crashing into the shore and we were wadding in the surf.  As were were wadding, the waves crashing our ankles, I noticed something washing by us amidst the sticks and seaweed and such.....a butterfly.  I felt sad for the poor thing...dead and being washed up onto the shore...It was caught in a cycle of waves...back and forth...in and out.....Then I noticed something....the butterfly was ALIVE!  It would be washed up towards shore....and then as it was pulled back out it would try to right itself.  It was fighting a losing battle since even when it was able to right itself it's wings were too wet to fly and it wouldn't be long before it would be tipped and thrown about in the waves.  I had to do something....I chased it down the shoreline trying to keep my eyes on it as it went back and forth.  I was finally able to scoop it up out of the waves....I thought it was done for...but in a matter of a minute or two it righted itself as it sat on my hand....I was thrilled!   I took it back away from the beach and found a small bush and set it in there.  It clung onto a branch and hung itself upside down for a time...allowing it's wings to dry.   A while later I came back to check on it and it was gone...flown away!  :)   I am still amazed when I think about that day....how a butterfly can look so fragile but actually be so strong....to be tossed about like that in the wild waves and still be able to survive...unharmed...wings not torn!  I just wanted to share that story....it makes me happy.....it makes me think. 

     I have had it!!   I finally had to threaten him with a restraining order....If he acts up anymore he will truly regret it!   Odd thing is that once I confronted him about his behavior he actually seemed HAPPY....as if he finally got what he wanted....attention????  Weird way to get attention....Yep...he got my attention I am now very much aware that he is a CRAZY PERSON!!!   Yep...that is going to take him far!!  
ONE MORE WEEK!!  A WEEK FROM TODAY I AM OUT OF HERE!!!!  

    So...he puts me through HELL....and then he wants ME to be nice....one minute he is snapping at me and being a real asshole....and then in the next breath he can be like...."Could you let me keep the computer for a little bit after you go?"  I am like "NO!  You have been such and ass and then you want me to be NICE to you?"  As soon as he even hears me point out how NICE I have been being...what a deal I have given him as far as what I am taking for the house and spousal support....he puts up a wall...it is like he wants to be the "WOUNDED ONE"  He thinks he can treat me like crap....be abusive and drunken and down right scary and then I am suppose to constantly be giving into what he wants?!  every single time I have pointed out to him that I am the one who has been being nice here he tries to ignore that....he walks away....He hasn't been nice even once in this....and yet every time I turn around he wants something more from me....Some little favor....NO MORE!!!

           So he called me today to tell me I had to go in and sign something for the refinancing of the house....He wanted me to go in on that Monday with him...I told him I would be out of town....I would go in later that week.  I called up the mortgage lady myself and set up a time I could come in and sign whatever it is that she needed signed...I even called him back and told him it was all arranged....but he keeps wanting me to go on a different day...WITH HIM!!!   "How about Friday? he says...I say..."gee, I think I am moving out that day!"  (I am not actually I will be out the day before that, but he needs to be kept guessing on that one)  So then he says..."Thursday then"  I said..."I am working! I told you already I made the appointment I am going in to sign the thing...what more do you want?"   I KNOW what he wants....he wanted me to go WITH him!  He is so anxious for control....he tried to find out what time I would be going in on that Thursday...I told him it wasn't his concern...he didn't need to know...that is when he got all pissy....telling me he is  doing all this for ME....he is "Jumping through hoops" for me ????  He is the one that wanted the dammed house so badly....he is doing this for HIMSELF!!   He has never jumped through any hoops for anyone!   He wanted to control me....and he wants to try to make me do things that include him....I won't be pushed into any such situation...and if he tries again I will have my attorney contact him and warn him about harassment!  

       9 days to go!!!!   

   Today I finally got in to see my attorney....I signed the final agreement!!   It is practically a "done deal" now....I just have to wait for them to file it and get a court date and then I will be FREE!!!   I sounds so close now...doesn't it?  It still feels so far away though...that elusive FREEDOM!  It has been so long since I have been FREE....half my life!!  YIKES!!   Maybe that is why it still seems like just a dream...sooo far away....I am just trying to get through the days as fast as I can....trying to keep busy so the time goes by faster...and hoping he won't do something stupid to me or the kids before we are free.  He is just so unbalanced!!  I sleep with the door locked and a knife near by....does that sound crazy?  Well....when you live in CRAZYVILLE It ain't all that crazy....I have to be one step ahead of him just in case.  When he is sober he is not such a threat...but get a few drinks in him and then add the stress of him losing control of me....he can't stand that!  Understand...it isn't that he wants ME...he just doesn't want me to walk away....he wants CONTROL!!  It is pure and simple.   But....today I got a step closer....it is signed....It will be filed....I will be divorced before July!!!   It will truly be my INDEPENDENCE DAY!!!! 

 
              If anyone doubts the things I say about my soon to be ex....well....this should make a person think twice when they are doubting me.   Last night he happened to be home....He hasn't been much more than in and out for the past week...Which means that I am in charge of the boys 24/7....just so there is no doubt in anyones mind about his roll as a "Father"!     So...he starts asking me (as he passes by the room I am in...because heaven forbid he try to have an actual conversation...he just has to throw questions at me in passing)  about the boys school....and then starts questioning where my new house will be and such.  I told him very calmly that I will give him the address when we move out.  There is no reason right now why he needs to know where the house is....there is no reason why I should keep this information but at the same time I see no compelling reason to tell him right now either....There is only so much "nice" I should have to dole out to someone who hasn't been in his youngest sons school all year....has never met the teachers and probably doesn't even know what grade his kids are in!!    Anyways....He gets real pissy at me because I told him I would give him the address when we move out.  I am not trying to keep him from his kids....at the same time I don't see why I should be bending over backwards where his relationship with his kids is concerned.  It is up to him to either sink or swim on his own.  He doesn't make any effort to have a relationship with any of them and then acts like it is MY FAULT....and then tries to accuse me of trying to keep the kids from him.   He fails to see the truth.  Even on our older son's birthday....he didn't even get the date right...wished him a "happy birthday" a day early....and then I had to keep pushing him to make some kind of plans with the kid...he couldn't even do THAT right!!  He first made plans to take T. and his friends go-karting  and then to late realized that half the kids wouldn't even be old enough to get in the place and that it would require parental consent by all parents....so he forgot about that plan...had to call me many many times in an effort to figure out what to do....then when he finally decided to take them to an amusement park....he ended up with too many kids and I had to talk our other son into staying home with me so everyone would fit in the car!  Then he wanted to just drop them off at the park and go on to the race track by himself....this he said was to "Save money"   ???   Like he wouldn't have spent money at a race track?!  Not to mention he would have been drinking there and then had to drive home a car load of kids!!  NO NO NO!!    This is the kind of "Father" he is....this was one of his "Good days" where they are concerned....so....knowing that, understand how ridiculous he is being here....he gets angry at me for not telling him right then and there  where our house will be...and starts screaming at me...(in front of the kids) about me taking "HIS KIDS" away and doesn't he have a right to know where they will be living...I told him once again...calmly that I will in fact tell him...WHEN WE MOVE!!....  so he starts yelling at me and calling me names and such....IN FRONT OF THE KIDS....and goes outside...a while later I went to run some errands and my car had been KEYED!!  Of course I can't PROVE that he did it...but come on...it was NOT like that when I drove into the driveway....and now it is keyed...doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what happened!!  He then preceded to get so drunk that by the end of the night he could barely walk....
So...what do you all think?   Good Father or NOT?     I don't know why I am asking as I can't see that anyone reads this...and though I have tried to befriend a few people on here I consider interesting I haven't been friended by ANYONE as of yet...but....maybe somewhere down the line someone WILL actually read this and comment.....

      People keep acting like I should be sad about leaving my house.  I suppose it should be kind of sad.  I have lived here for almost 14 years.  The thing is though...what people don't understand is that it hasn't felt like MY home for a very long time.   It has always been such a struggle to be able to do anything to this house...he was never on the same page as me as far as decorating goes.  The only thing I will really miss about the house is my little garden in back that I created out of a shady unused section of the yard.  It is really very nice...and private and cozy....I will miss that...It was MY garden....I took care of it and did all the work to create it.  But...other than that....I just don't feel attached to this house.  I hate it here!   I am looking forward to my new home.   Interestingly it is everything I ever wanted in a home....and funny......in looking for a home our priorities were enough bedrooms, and enough space for 4 active boys....we wanted to be in a certain school district....narrowed down even to a particular high school within the district....so we weren't looking for any other attributes....but I got the house I always wished for all these years anyways....and I find that very interesting and cool.   I have always wanted a WHITE house....no reason except that I am sick of BROWN houses....I wanted a white one...I wanted DOUBLE HUNG WINDOWS instead of crank outs....I wanted an EAT IN KITCHEN....I wanted a lot of WINDOWS....I wanted a master bathroom with a TUB not just a shower...I wanted a REAL FIREPLACE...not just a gas one.....I got it all with this house....and didn't even realize it until we had put in an offer on it and it was accepted...I started thinking about it and thought...."huh,  this house is all the things I had always said I wished I had in a house.  It is a PRETTY HOUSE...a real GIRL"S house....
    so....I am not sad to be leaving this house...it hasn't been a home for me....it has been a prison.   I know my boys are a little sad to leave....they have never known any other home....but their dad will still be here so they can come back when they like....and I think that will ease the transition for them.  And I am giving them a better house...and they get their own rooms now...which they will soooo love!  They can't stand sharing that dinky little room together!   They will love their new home and so I am only looking forward...and I will finally have a real HOME!!!   and I will finally be a peace! 

      I am slowly getting through this long weekend.  Hopefully he will be gone most of it.  He was home briefly when we got back from furniture shopping with my daughter.  He had HER car in the garage...working on it...why he would drive her car over here to work on it instead of just working on it at her place is beyond me.  I asked him..."Is this the same woman who WON"T be moving in with you?"   He got real pissy about that comment.  I can't figure it out...if she is or isn't moving in here after I am gone.  He is very vague on the whole subject and the little he says makes it seem she is NOT....but I don't know if he is lying or not about that...and why he would not tell me the truth about that is a mystery....I mean do I really care one way or the other?     I am just curios as to if she is really into him or if she is trying to get some distance from him and just using him. 

     I have less than 2 weeks to go.....but I tell you the days seem to each be many many days long!!!  It is like living in one of those weird dreams where you are trying to go down a hall and suddenly the hall stretches on forever and ever!  Or you are try to run and suddenly you find yourself running in wet cement and it is getting thicker and thicker as you go so you are moving slower and slower.   I am trying to find every way I can to make the time go faster....I have a meeting with my attorney on Tuesday and Wednesday I have the day off and will be doing the rest of the packing that I can do before moving day.  Friday we have a special event at the school and then it will be the LAST weekend!!  Then it will just be a matter of days...Roll on June 7th!!   Then after that, I have 2 weeks at my sister's before we can finally move into our new home!  I don't know how it will be living with my sister...haven't lived with her since I was a teenager.   Could be fine...or could be a real trial....we will see....but she is an angel for letting us stay with her....and she saved me from 2 extra weeks of Hell!!!  

              Today I am busy with the boys....taking them to the Park at MOA.   Tomorrow we go to H's house for a Memorial day picnic....trying to keep busy....trying to keep moving through the cement.....trying to just get through.

              We have not acted "married" for years!   We have not slept in the same bed for YEARS!  We are about to be officially divorced and I am moving out in less than 2 weeks.   He doesn't sleep at home any more...some nights he never comes home at all...other nights he pops in long enough to change his cloths and grab food...and then he is gone to his girlfriends house.  But every fricken morning there he is!!   And I feel like he is stalking me then.  He hangs around in his garage but then when he realizes I am up and about in he comes....I sit down to read the paper and have breakfast and he sits down RIGHT NEXT TO ME!!  Why?  Me....I avoid him like the plague and if he was sitting in the kitchen first I would go to some other room...needless to say I ate fast, grabbed my coffee and went into the living room...I just think it is so odd that he would want to sit down next to me like that.    I can't even figure out why he comes home in the morning like that?  Why can't he just leave for work from HER house?   Oh well....soon I will not ever have to deal with this again!!   2 weeks from now I will be waking up at my sister's house and looking forward to moving into our new home with my sweetie!! 

    On a lighter note....I miss playing SIMS!  I packed everything away already...One of the many things I look forward to once T. and I are in our house....being able to play my computer games again...in peace!  :)   No one can even imagine what this has been like....You don't know what you've got till you don't have it....to not have the freedom to just live your life...and then to finally get it back!!!   I have so missed the simple things.  The ordinary....Like just having a weekend again.  Just being able to enjoy staying home.  To be able to SLEEP AGAIN!   T and I have both said...we will probably do nothing but sleep for the first week!!  In reality probably not...we will have too much to do with unpacking and settling the kids into their new home...new life....but still...I will be able to really SLEEP AGAIN!  
        So...I got of the subject....my purpose of posting this was just to say...I MISS PLAYING SIMS!  Soon I will be able to again....YEA!